she doesnt live nemore..

smiled..with a lost twinkle..

a hollow laugh
forgotten heart
lost soul
breathing..with no essence of life..
trying to build hopes..with broken faith..


Everything was right..every decision envied..with loads of dreams and full of enthusiasm she stepped in that world where life is on a roller coaster ride..made friends..had fun..had crushes..fights..resolutions..gossiping..she was leading a wonderful life..adding meaning to every moment live..
she had one rule..things are right..actions are right if none is hurt..and give in..cz thts wht keeps things goin..
until she followed it adamantly..right things hurt the peple she loved..
giving in was not considered enough..sacrificing principles was something she never agreed to..and that spoiled evrything she built.
no matter how much things got tough she had one way out..of writing it out..
she lost that channel too..

she now understands what it means to live two lives..
a successful career..an obedient daughter..a best freind to a brother..a shoulder for her friends..a bold girl
and a lost self..shattered dreams..confused mind..hopeless breaths..aimless day..and a broken heart..
in the same body..with same smile but lost twinkle..with same echo but hollow laughter..with same glances but distant eyes..same me with a locked soul..

she doesnt wish nemore..doesnt wait nemore..dsnt knw wht to hope for..dsnt knw if things are worse or just better..she dsnt live nemore.

; Alpviraam

Zindagi humein kis mod par le aaye..
palak jhapakte he jaise aasamaan se zamein par aagaye hum..
kya rishtey the, kya waqt tha..
sapne jaisa,jo aankhen kholte he kahin gum ho gaya..
khud ko kahin duur chod aayi thi..
sacchai se wasta na raha tha..
guruur tha..ek naya alam tha..
registan mein chal rahi thi..
na raaste ka pta tha..na manzil ka hosh..
iss nayi zindagi ke rang mein bheeg rahi thi..
isse barish mein aaj aansun bhi khush the..
bhrum barquraar tha ki
Zindagi ko naye aayaam de rahi hun..jab zindagi mujhe he khookli banate chale gaye..

junoon sawaar tha ki meri zindagi mere haathon mein hain

isske har panne ko shabdon se main jeena seekha rahi thi..

khabar na thi ki syahi toh waqt he tha hamesha..

iske kalam toh duniye ne he pakad rakhi thi..

aur main..bas ek panna..
kalam mujh par chal rahe the..aur zindagi isse manchaha saja rahi thi..

un dino..bhaut he khoobsurat panna thi main..
ab jab syahi khatam ho rahi hai..
gaadhe nishaan ban rahe hain..
dusra panna bhi inke nishaan seh raha hain..
kahin ye syahi..khatm na ho jaye..
meri kahani adhure na reh jaye..
bhaut guruur tha mujhe meri kahani par..
jab syahi kalam mein dali thi..tabse he shabdon ke rangeen sapne dekhne lagi thi..
ek akarshan sa tha meri kahani mein..iss kitaab mein..
jo dekhta,padhta..mujhe eersha karta..
kahin bhi koi daag na tha..

nazar lag gayi shayad mujhe meri he..

sahem gayi hun..
ruuf sihar jate hai ab..
jab bhi koi shabd likhe jate hain..

kahin syahi fael na jaye..
daag na chod de..
mita nahi paaunge ab..
syahi ke khatam hone se pehle iss adhyaye ko viraam na lag jaye..yahi umeed hai bas..
panno ke khoobsuurti..iske bikhare rang..
puurn viraam tak aise he rahe..pheeke na pad jaye..
kalam zor se na chale..akshar gadhe na bane..ye akhiri panna..agle panne par apne nishaan na chod de..

sun..ae zindagi..ek guzarish hai tujhse..
rahem kar de mujh par..
iss sachaai maan gayi..tu meri kahani likhte hain..
kaanch ka dil hai mera..iska tukde na kar.jod nahi paunge umr bhar..
meri kahani ka ant zaroor likhna..syahi khatam hone se pehle iss rang ko pheeka na hone dena..syahi fael na jaye..yahi guzarish hai ..
iss alpviraam par poorna viraam mat laga dena..iss kalam ko nayi syahi se bhar dena;

hmm..

Its interesting to see what this life has to offer me at every corner..a mixture of all those that make me happy and have equal potential to dishearten me..
It was one of those moments when everything you wanted was right infront of u..but ur hands are tied..
your wishes will get all true if u just take that one step..
and your heart and mind make u dangle..
u love and hate this dilemma..it makes you crazy..one is the right decision of not moving ahead and the other reflects everything you always wished for is rt there..
i have taken the step..it was a swing with the wind..i don't know what the destiny awaits for me..but i listened to my heart..the weak heart..because once it was strong..
nobody agrees with me..im all alone on this path..theres just faith..faith that ill cope up with whtever worst comes..and ill give up wen its time..
sorry..forgot to mention..i will have to give up..but i want to dive deep down..feel the waves..feel the feeling of being carried away..float..smile with the sun above..love the moon that lit up..wink at the stars and slowly let myself drown..

Everything's wrong about me..

well i don't know how to start writing this.i missed the scribbling day of my college today.
i wonder how people learn so easily to just give up things. just like that. why the hell a person wants to feel wanted. and why do some people just don't mind their own business. why they have to get into some one's life, make friends, advice them. try to change them and the person changes for the worst or changes just because of them and later on when hes suffocating because of the new me..then these people just leave knowing they have done an irreparable mistake.
why people have to get into other's life.just to screw it.when they know they should not break the golden rule "u cant change anyone!!"..why do they try to teach me things just to feel better themselves. gosh! why the hell I'm so vulnerable and agree to their opinions that they are right and my life is hell and they have every right to fix it up the way they want! everyone..everyone would like to know why and what I'm doing wrong and in fact tell me that whatever step I'm taking is wrong..ALWAYS WRONG!!! i was born wrong! my behaviour is the most rudest thing in the world and that i should have never been born because I'm so so wrong!! i am the idol of wrong behaviour and wrong thinking and complete ass..and the people who tell assure me they are doing the right thing my telling me this because they are my friends..so what happened now?? you couldn't tolerate that i kicked you out simply because i was done listening to you and your ways that u think are so very right.and guess what..even now when i don't talk to you guys you have your own unique ways to make me realise how bloody wrong i am..wow..that's so amazing..
and others tell me not to think about them..not to get disturbed by them..attend the crowd where they are everywhere and just not think about them..how the hell is that possible..how can i just ignore?? when they are all around..i cant put up masks...i cant put up a show when the inside of me is not enjoying at all..i dun wanna murder myself inside just to show to them that i don't care..id rather sit in my room than be there to face those faces and in fact put a face up for myself..

dreams..

{this blog again has my freaking out moments..you know the ones where you talk to yourself but this time i wanna hold these thoughts so that i can read them later to remind myself of my most powerful strength-dreaming!!}


So there i was watching Grey's anatomy to keep myself busy and then i came across a magazine "India today" which had the cover story of 25 powerful women and it then came to my mind that yes ..why not..i can dream..dream to be a successful and powerful person someday. its not that i have to live the life of the ordinary. I'm in a position to choose and chase it.
i don't wanna spend my this life thinking about whose loving me and whose not and whose talking about me and what and what m i gonna wear and whats in the fashion and all nonsense..why not? because these are few things that you dont have control over so why waste time??

i can dream. I'm just 22. I can be myself. and try to chase my dreams. just that..umm..my situation as in the family situation is a Lil bit different..well practically different compared to my other friends and people around but then how does it matter..

i have a job. i do but i also have an option to do higher studies. i wanna do a lot of things..like
i wanna own a bike..or a car
i want to be at a powerful position like making important decisions for a comapny or own a company..
i want to do adventure sports
i want to learn about world history
i want to learn about music
i want to learn how to play guitar or piano
i want to do loads of gyming..(hehe. funny..i knw..but one needs loads of will power for that..and good enough reason..whihc i have..medically and all that..)
i want to read lots of books..novels,autobiographies,communications and networking etc etc..
i want to be in contact with as many people as possible
i want to adopt a child
i want to visit Italy and Greece and Rome
i want to make my own personal music library
i want to discover what I'm good at..what i would love to do for a long time..or is there ever something that u wanna do for a long long time?? sometimes i feel ill be bored. or maybe i haven't found the things that i wanna do for long long time.
 i am mansi.22.with B Tech.so now i can either start to prepare for IAS or for MS or for MBA.i guess i need to prioritize my wishes chronologically. how i can go about it and achieve it.i can make my life worth. i think everybody can.

it takes only your own will power and your own thoughts to do something that you wish to do at any point of time to make your own life happy..very happy.

I'm scared of myself..

hey..yeah here is another story of just another girl around the corner with the same stuff of unable to let go of things and stuck up..
Well actually i sometimes wonder what got me?? I most of the times knew what i wanted and especially what i don't want. you know its those times when you just wanna sit back and cry your heart out. I miss it. I wish i get over the depression. I wish I'm able to forget everything that happened. I wish it doesn't haunt me anymore.
I came across a text which said..I m hurt..because i loved him more than he deserved..did i really love him or it was just like giving a chance to myself to see whether I'm even capable of loving..and now i feel defeated..wtf!
I knew him inside out though.I never realised i was so close until things started falling apart.I wish i could just tell myself that he wasn't my type..or something like he was a jerk or that he used me or lied to me or i deserve better..but i cant.because i know things weren't this way. Its those complicated situations where you'd like to be with him but when he is around you don't want him. I don't know whether i was fighting with him or with myself.
did i dislike him more than me? do i miss him or i miss that there would be someone for me. Does this thing hurt more that he cared for me or that he has moved on and I'm alone?
This is mess. I don't want to cry.i could never trust myself again. I could never trust anyone else for that matter. he is perhaps lucky he got one. I m doomed. I don't know whether ill allow myself for any other chance ever..I'm scared of myself..

first one..

hey listener..(thanks if u go thru..cz its big n i guess boring..)

Well technically speaking this isnt my first blog. i just lost my previous one.well never mind..

lemme not bore u with who i am n wht m i doin cz i guess u'll find out anyway..

basically im just way too messed up today and since i love writing i thought to create a blog (not a very happy reason..i knw...just keep up with me..)

So like i am in the final semester when u know ur just wrapping up and getting ready to taste the world and u start to miss college days. the past few months for me where just like any other's days  where i just got to taste the pre-world. i got ditched by my friends for over a final yr project.and then i screwed up one friendship cz of it. i knw..it sucks..big time..and also i got to taste what love is..n that sucks too..

im no philosopher here..so my blog is of no help to those who seek any help.its just for those who wanna blurt out..like me..that i hate this world..its crooked ways to teach me..and the people who keep banging on me and crush my self-confidence..or just myself..

so i told u abt this love thing i got into..it was like a really big deal for me..like to actually cum to the other line of infatuation n stuff..n jst wen i had taken one step to the opposite i realised tht it was a mushy area..easy to get in..tough to get out..it din last for like 5 quality days and it kicked me tht i was totally screwed up..as in from now on i wud never be able to erase those memories untl like wht some 100 yrs go by..

u knw its not even like tht i was totally into it..i am a hellishly practical girl..but u never knw wht this "love" and "friendhsip" can do to u..the bad sense im talking abt..

i had this amazing frnd(say r)..it didnt matter to us if we din meet or talk 24*7 bt wenver we met it was like we had never gone on break..and i thought proabably r wud never judge me..no matter wht...

(i click with vry vry vry less persons..god knows why do i even exist..)

So wen i got problems with my project mates..i wanted to dump it and move out cz i was done with the humiliation evn wen i interacted like once in 7 days..evn wen just 2 months r left i cudnt bear the insult..so u cn imagine it was a BIG DEAL for me..n tht i dun ring up my parents until unless i get a fracture or smthin(hvnt had ne yet)..bt i calld thm up..they r not in my country..

so u now get it hw big it was for me..and it sucked wen i had to face my department with this new step..they banged too hard..

so one of my project-mate (say s)is also gud frnd with this frnd of mine r..and s was very angry n so s complately blew d things out of propotion,put up an exactly opposite picture and projected me as a big time loser and faker and the one who hurt s so so bad or smthin..

it din matter to me much till d moment i found out tht this r is also now not gonna talk to me nemr..and this ..this sucks..

so here i am..saying..life sucks big time..u thght they wr ur frnds..u thght u wr rt with the thing tht at least let me once just ecpereince wht its like to feel loved..and there u go on a roller coaster ride n u dunno whr u gonna land..

crying isnt a big deal for me..but it hurts wen u cant erase those words..those looks..those statements..and 

guess what..u still have to look at thm every day..say hi..ask whrabts..knowing in their mind u r pictured as a LOSER..