I'm scared of myself..

hey..yeah here is another story of just another girl around the corner with the same stuff of unable to let go of things and stuck up..
Well actually i sometimes wonder what got me?? I most of the times knew what i wanted and especially what i don't want. you know its those times when you just wanna sit back and cry your heart out. I miss it. I wish i get over the depression. I wish I'm able to forget everything that happened. I wish it doesn't haunt me anymore.
I came across a text which said..I m hurt..because i loved him more than he deserved..did i really love him or it was just like giving a chance to myself to see whether I'm even capable of loving..and now i feel defeated..wtf!
I knew him inside out though.I never realised i was so close until things started falling apart.I wish i could just tell myself that he wasn't my type..or something like he was a jerk or that he used me or lied to me or i deserve better..but i cant.because i know things weren't this way. Its those complicated situations where you'd like to be with him but when he is around you don't want him. I don't know whether i was fighting with him or with myself.
did i dislike him more than me? do i miss him or i miss that there would be someone for me. Does this thing hurt more that he cared for me or that he has moved on and I'm alone?
This is mess. I don't want to cry.i could never trust myself again. I could never trust anyone else for that matter. he is perhaps lucky he got one. I m doomed. I don't know whether ill allow myself for any other chance ever..I'm scared of myself..