You'v moved on..

Wherever you go
I know you miss me..
When you wonder at things you come across
I know u wonder how it would be to tell me..
When the radio plays our song
I know u think about our smiles..
When you'r lost in your thoughts
You try not not to think bout me sitting beside you..
When ur cell beeps
I know u silently wish its from me..
When u stand at a  long hallway ahead
I know you wish  if I run through to hug u tight..
When ur doodling sitting in cafe
U remember the superman u drew in my notebook..
When ur drenched in the untimely pours..
U miss the walk together in clouds..
When you'r staring across the window
I know u think id come by and save you..

And still you say you'v moved on..

Leave the peices..

The cell phone beeped, "Im in town.Wanna meet you.For old time sake.Do call".
And the past flashed back.
"We will be friends forever."
"Ill stick by your side till end."
She always lost when it came to friends and family.The lifelines of her life.
But not this time.Its been 13 months that she has taught herself how to be on her own. From everyday jiggles to sunked loneliness, from the morning blues to rushed noon, blank evenings to midnight cries, she came a long way.
'I must call Nina, so what she wished me late in evening, at least she remembered my birthday.But it would be so awkward to call after 2 months.But then again I promised to be with her through thick and thin..
Was she there when I was losing it all?'

Does this mean Im that lonesome person whose existence doesnt matter to people who vowed to take care of her? Lets roll back.So who all called me in past 7 8 months? A few of my girlfriends from school, 2 who are in town but im there "just in case" friend...
Oh my god! Theres practically no body to whom my existence matter! I had taken the first steps to be in contact but it simply doesnt bother them.What a fool iv made of myself infront of Ajay when I told him that i have people in my life.

Its time to accept it.I better.Maybe its the following phase after the shatter.
Like when the glass, made out of perfect coincidence of barren sand when struck by sudden lightening, form into an amazingly beautiful bond- Glass, taking a particular shape, and has to be handled carefully until a small crack appears..and then the crack is glued just so to make the glass continue to dazzle by its beauty..but the scar remains..and then one day a bigger crack breaks the glass to shards..
For a long time these shards through their peculiar shapes and sizes reflect the bygone light and make u realise what wonderful dream it was once..and leave u mesmerised for a long long time..
You try to pull it again, trying to join all the peices..day after day u work on it and wonder what if it again takes back its original shape and beauty..But darling..it wont happen.

When you are done trying..and I hope you soon learn to give up that..you make the bitter decision to leave the shards..the peices..
Its time to move to another beach..

Another rainy day.A perfect co-incidence of the pours and the office shuttle.
"I wouldn't make the same mistake today" and she left the stuck shuttle to walk to the nearest bus stand 1/2 mile away.'I need to shift an apartment thts close.I can't travel 4 hrs everyday! Also i should buy sum vehicle of my own.it would be fun.maybe i shud join these atr classes.They teach good stuff.Im not desperate for making friends but I wont mind if I...
A freaky driver sped fast in the muddy pool splashing all the dirty water on her brand new suit.'I hate this city'.I should have abused him or atleast yelled out at him.Ohh forget it.
I dont have any guts.I shudnt have left the shuttle.and now walking on this muddy pavement.why do I even pay taxes...
And another arm smudge gave way to misty eyes..

First day of 2011

She was smiling..her heart was all smiling..it was new year eve.She was going home after a vry long day at work and things were okay.She thought after settling down with pasta and soup, a small treat to herself shell catch up a nice movie while snuggling up in her bed. Cleaned up the kitchen and took the dinner with her favourite movie on laptop she was contend.After turning down 3 invites for a new year party she was convinced she did right.Never a big fan of lousy crowd or DJ or Pub she liked spending meaningful time with her loved ones.At midnight stroke she got uneasy and started to look for the indespensable mobile phone.Let me ring my best friends at least.

The first number went unreachable.Ghosh! why always the network problem.Another num and was busy. 'Stupid me.Ofcourse shes got a relationship to manage'.Nevertheless after last unsuccessful hit she thought of going back to catch up her forever pending movie.'Let me just check the facebook' and after wishing 32 people personally 2:30 pm convinced her it was right time to sleep.

At 4 she called up her brother just to check how everything's goin on.Things can go out of hands sometimes.
Maybe its better to drop a tear or two.First day should be a good balance as well.And the night went on.

So when the first rays swept in her blanket she knew it was time to stop.Let me not spoil the first day.She smiled and tried to sleep which came easily to those tired eyes.

And the first day of the new year was just like any other day.

Azzadiyaan(UDAAN)

Pairon ki bediyan khwabon ko baandhe nahi re, kabhi nahi reMitti ki parton ko nanne se ankur bhi cheeray, dheere dheereIraade hare hare, jinke seeno mein ghar kareWoh dil ki sune kare na darre, na darre

Subah ki kirno ko rokein jo salaakhein hai kahanJo khayalon pe pehre daale woh aankhein hai kahanPar khulne ki deri hai parinde udh ke choomengeAasman aasman aasman

Subah ki kirno ko rokein jo salaakhein hai kahanJo khayalon pe pehre daale woh aankhein hai kahanPar khulne ki deri hai parinde udh ke choomengeAasman aasman aasman

Aazaadiyan, aazaadiyanMaagey na kabhi, mile mile mileAazaadiyan, aazaadiyanJo cheenay wahi, jee le jee le jee le

Subah ki kirno ko rokein jo salaakhein hai kahanJo khayalon pe pehre daale woh aankhein hai kahanPar khulne ki deri hai parinde udh ke choomengeAasman aasman aasman

Kahani khatam hai ya shuruwaat hone ke hai (hone ke hai)Subha nayi hai yeh ya phir raat hone ko hai (hone ke hai)Kahani khatam hai ya shuruwaat hone ke hai (hone ke hai)Subha nayi hai yeh ya phir raat hone ko hai (hone ke hai)

Aane wala waqt dega panha haiYa phir se milenge do raaheinKhabar kya, kya pataa

Coz its numb.

I want to live..one more day..

I want to breathe that air in my lungs..feel the gush..

i want to see the world..one more time..see the people..see the smiles..they exists..

hear the luaghter..the claps and the just once more feel the pain in the muscels wen i cant stop laughing..

I want to drench..one more time..in tears rolling down my cheek..when people around wipe them off..and u feel the care..

I want to feel..once more..the pain of being hurt..wen expectashns are broken..wen curses are are not wished to cum tru..

I want to fight..one more time..feel wen im heard..and agreed..or refuted..but im listened..

I want to tell..one last time..that i can tel secrets..and not worry that ill be judged..

I want to learn..again..that ill help someone..and be helped by sumone..

I want to know..before its too late..that life is much more then just being..

I want to sing..the songs i sang from the shared favs and know they are still shared..

I want to lie..once again..nt to myself..and be told tht im lying..

I want to hear..before the last..my own voice..and recognise it..

I want to count..not d days left..but the days i must have lived..

Coz its numbness filled in..

she doesnt live nemore..

smiled..with a lost twinkle..

a hollow laugh
forgotten heart
lost soul
breathing..with no essence of life..
trying to build hopes..with broken faith..


Everything was right..every decision envied..with loads of dreams and full of enthusiasm she stepped in that world where life is on a roller coaster ride..made friends..had fun..had crushes..fights..resolutions..gossiping..she was leading a wonderful life..adding meaning to every moment live..
she had one rule..things are right..actions are right if none is hurt..and give in..cz thts wht keeps things goin..
until she followed it adamantly..right things hurt the peple she loved..
giving in was not considered enough..sacrificing principles was something she never agreed to..and that spoiled evrything she built.
no matter how much things got tough she had one way out..of writing it out..
she lost that channel too..

she now understands what it means to live two lives..
a successful career..an obedient daughter..a best freind to a brother..a shoulder for her friends..a bold girl
and a lost self..shattered dreams..confused mind..hopeless breaths..aimless day..and a broken heart..
in the same body..with same smile but lost twinkle..with same echo but hollow laughter..with same glances but distant eyes..same me with a locked soul..

she doesnt wish nemore..doesnt wait nemore..dsnt knw wht to hope for..dsnt knw if things are worse or just better..she dsnt live nemore.