I'm scared of myself..

hey..yeah here is another story of just another girl around the corner with the same stuff of unable to let go of things and stuck up..
Well actually i sometimes wonder what got me?? I most of the times knew what i wanted and especially what i don't want. you know its those times when you just wanna sit back and cry your heart out. I miss it. I wish i get over the depression. I wish I'm able to forget everything that happened. I wish it doesn't haunt me anymore.
I came across a text which said..I m hurt..because i loved him more than he deserved..did i really love him or it was just like giving a chance to myself to see whether I'm even capable of loving..and now i feel defeated..wtf!
I knew him inside out though.I never realised i was so close until things started falling apart.I wish i could just tell myself that he wasn't my type..or something like he was a jerk or that he used me or lied to me or i deserve better..but i cant.because i know things weren't this way. Its those complicated situations where you'd like to be with him but when he is around you don't want him. I don't know whether i was fighting with him or with myself.
did i dislike him more than me? do i miss him or i miss that there would be someone for me. Does this thing hurt more that he cared for me or that he has moved on and I'm alone?
This is mess. I don't want to cry.i could never trust myself again. I could never trust anyone else for that matter. he is perhaps lucky he got one. I m doomed. I don't know whether ill allow myself for any other chance ever..I'm scared of myself..

first one..

hey listener..(thanks if u go thru..cz its big n i guess boring..)

Well technically speaking this isnt my first blog. i just lost my previous one.well never mind..

lemme not bore u with who i am n wht m i doin cz i guess u'll find out anyway..

basically im just way too messed up today and since i love writing i thought to create a blog (not a very happy reason..i knw...just keep up with me..)

So like i am in the final semester when u know ur just wrapping up and getting ready to taste the world and u start to miss college days. the past few months for me where just like any other's days  where i just got to taste the pre-world. i got ditched by my friends for over a final yr project.and then i screwed up one friendship cz of it. i knw..it sucks..big time..and also i got to taste what love is..n that sucks too..

im no philosopher here..so my blog is of no help to those who seek any help.its just for those who wanna blurt out..like me..that i hate this world..its crooked ways to teach me..and the people who keep banging on me and crush my self-confidence..or just myself..

so i told u abt this love thing i got into..it was like a really big deal for me..like to actually cum to the other line of infatuation n stuff..n jst wen i had taken one step to the opposite i realised tht it was a mushy area..easy to get in..tough to get out..it din last for like 5 quality days and it kicked me tht i was totally screwed up..as in from now on i wud never be able to erase those memories untl like wht some 100 yrs go by..

u knw its not even like tht i was totally into it..i am a hellishly practical girl..but u never knw wht this "love" and "friendhsip" can do to u..the bad sense im talking abt..

i had this amazing frnd(say r)..it didnt matter to us if we din meet or talk 24*7 bt wenver we met it was like we had never gone on break..and i thought proabably r wud never judge me..no matter wht...

(i click with vry vry vry less persons..god knows why do i even exist..)

So wen i got problems with my project mates..i wanted to dump it and move out cz i was done with the humiliation evn wen i interacted like once in 7 days..evn wen just 2 months r left i cudnt bear the insult..so u cn imagine it was a BIG DEAL for me..n tht i dun ring up my parents until unless i get a fracture or smthin(hvnt had ne yet)..bt i calld thm up..they r not in my country..

so u now get it hw big it was for me..and it sucked wen i had to face my department with this new step..they banged too hard..

so one of my project-mate (say s)is also gud frnd with this frnd of mine r..and s was very angry n so s complately blew d things out of propotion,put up an exactly opposite picture and projected me as a big time loser and faker and the one who hurt s so so bad or smthin..

it din matter to me much till d moment i found out tht this r is also now not gonna talk to me nemr..and this ..this sucks..

so here i am..saying..life sucks big time..u thght they wr ur frnds..u thght u wr rt with the thing tht at least let me once just ecpereince wht its like to feel loved..and there u go on a roller coaster ride n u dunno whr u gonna land..

crying isnt a big deal for me..but it hurts wen u cant erase those words..those looks..those statements..and 

guess what..u still have to look at thm every day..say hi..ask whrabts..knowing in their mind u r pictured as a LOSER..